Saturday, 1 September 2012

Saturday Strategy

Loyal readers, I swell with patriotic pride at the support you have given me in my negotiations with the usurping invader, King Spitty. You have clearly entered into supporting me greatly and protecting my kingdom, and also recognising my great diplomatic skills in being prepared to award him honorary rulership of a significant part of kotimaa, which I have carefully selected with him in mind. 
You may have seen from his comments that he is still hankering after the Isle of Wight (England) even though I have explained this is not within my remit. And then he surprises me by asking for an elderly British pop musician and a castle! What can I possibly do when he changes the goalposts ? But, by his own admission, perhaps his lust for land is because his previous lustiness has been cruelly curtailed and I must use my most excellent interpersonal skills and comfort him in his time of grief.  Perhaps I could pick two juicy Finnish blueberries from our forests and send them to him to wear so he feels more complete ?
So apparently King Spitty is considering my offer. What is to consider - he just needs to say yes or no, as there can be no debate as I am not prepared to offer more. Our fine Finnish forests and lakes are not for bargaining over, and I am not prepared to concede more hectares of land (or snow) than were previously on the table.  Admittedly, I have not quite decided on the official title or location yet (and much gratitude for the feedback and suggestions received!). So come on Spitster, make up your mind or the borders will be slammed shut, and your opportunity to pee in our snow and dip your black fluffy tail through ice holes to catch fishies will be gone forever. And remember I will defend the honour of all Finnish girlcats.  I am King Kitty Cat of Finland (North) - hear me roar!

18 comments:

The Cat From Hell said...

Ha! Ha! Ne thinks blueberries is what Spitty would has if yous gived him a iceberg!
Kisses Sweet Boy
Nellie

Katnip Lounge said...

That Spitty has some CHEEK!

We think maybe you should offer him some real estate BENEATH the crust!

Prancer Pie said...

Maybe we should talk to King Spitty. We have an acre of pasture land and two acorns that might make him feel better. Hahahahmeow!

Sparkle said...

Spitty is a hard bargainer! I hope this gets settled peacefully.

Cheysuli and gemini said...

I can hear you now!

Spitty-the-Kitty said...

Your excellency, Most Esteemed King Kitty Cat of Finland (North),

Well I see that I have perhaps been a bit impolitic in ruminating aloud regarding my various European ambitions, awakened, I must note, by your very own Royal self on World Cat Day when my carelessly placed paw prompted your ruffled furs and led to the discovery of my previously suppressed colonial tendencies.

I have done some minor investigation of those TITLES you so "generously" proffered, particularly "Grand Sheriff of Kusipää" -- do you think King Spitty I cannot Google???? And Homeperseesuo (moldy a$$ swamp?) But really....need I go on???

King Spitty is pondering his next move. The egregious disrespect evident in your Kind Offer has set my devious mind running off in new and exciting directions! Perhaps you should be tuning up those Mirsku missiles after all.

My Secretary of State advises me to cut off discussions and proceed unilaterally, but my National Security Adviser urges continued talks. My Human, on the other hand, urges me to take a nap and then study up on Finnish geography.

The King is weary from his long and stressful evening. We will all repair to bed now, and ready ourselves for the inevitable diplomatic fireworks.

Yours in peace (so far),
Spitty R



Mamma N said...

Ei epäilystäkään! Sinä olet kuningas. Oulun kuningas?

Sanni ja Olivia said...

Oijoi, me vähän pelättiinkin, että Spitty käy tarkistamassa paikkojen nimet. Nyt kaikki diplomatian keinot käyttöön, Punapippuri. Kuninkaana tiedät varmasti, kuinka tällaiset tilanteet hoidetaan, me luotetaan suhun! (Silti vähän hihitellään niille arvonimille, tsih.)

Punapippuri said...

Most esteemed King Spitty,

We were wondering what had taken your paws so long to go googling, and are deeply saddened by your response to our most magnificent geographical etymology, of which we Finns are most proud. Instead of naming places after European cities (New York, New Amsterdam) or using other languages (Los Angeles, San Francisco), we take pride in giving original, unique names to our Finnish towns, lakes, islands and random plots of land. The names reflect our heritage and sense of humour. They are deeply affectionate. It is not our fault if then foreigners like yourself take offense. Goodness knows, I edited the list carefully as there were many possibilities which could have actually been rude (admittedly 'Kusipää' in some regions is borderline as in some regions it is not what you would call your grandmother but not here in Oulu where my palace is it is okay to use without causing offense).

So, my dear Spitty, you perhaps need to brush up on your cultural sensitivity. Afterall, did you really think I would offer you a big place you might have heard of ? You are, afterall, a usurper, an invader, an aggressor, an offensive force who wants a slice of Europe all for himself just because he's lost a couple of testosterone tanks. When I was neutered -see, I can actually say the word - I didn't go and stamp on Norway, I simply took it in my stride (which was a little sore) and took pride in what was already mine, valuing it more for what I had lost.

Shame on you, King Spitty, for misinterpreting my honest actions. I do not think you are the sort of feline I wish to share my precious homeland with as you so clearly object to places, which we love, simply because of the name. We practice tolerance here, and expect all others to do the same. Mighty Finland is a proud nation - we have been invaded many times over history, so the offer of any territory was not an easy gift to make to you and took much pondering on my part.

I now have to defend my kingdom from you, which I will do of course. Loyal readers in Finland (North), you are safe and have nothing to fear. Mirksu missiles are primed, ninja defences will never be breached and we have an ultimate weapon of mass destruction in Stran's litter box offerings. These of course are a last resort, as I fully expect King Spitty to do the honorable thing and back off. Unless of course he makes some sort of peace offering such as a piece of the Golden Gate bridge or at least a street of San Francisco, in recompense as I am now mightily offended.

Hannah and Lucy said...

We heard your roar and think he is shaking now he knows who's mighty that roar is.
Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx

Spitty-the-Kitty said...

Greetings to His Majesty from San Francisco:

Well, you know, if all it takes to smooth his ruffled furz is giving KKCofF(N) his own street, or park or plaza, here in the City of St. Francis, I am sure I could arrange that with a mere tap of my (admittedly clippy-clawed) paw. Punapippuri Plaza has a nice ring to it, as does Punapippuri Parkway.

Not a problem! Really--The Human is abandoning me shortly to go to play cards all day in a Bay Area town called Pleasant Hill--say, that could just as easily be called Punapippuri Hill! I mean, "Pleasant" is such a bland and boring name. Surely Punapippuri would be a more imaginative choice?

I am more than happy to give you a nice little chunk of your own right here in San Francisco or the immediate environs. I think the Golden Gate Bridge might be off-limits though--you wouldn't want it anyway as it is not "golden" at all, but painted a disturbing color called "International Orange"--say, Your Majesty is sort of International Orange himself. Hmmmm. But it is cold and windy and full of cars. You would not care for it.

Further discussion will have to be delayed until the Human and her useful thumbs return from their day of card-playing. Meanwhile, do try to see things from my point of view--I have no evil intentions. Just a desire for a base of operations outside the borders of the continental U.S.

Finland seems nice. You wouldn't really miss just a little piece! I needz it. Well, that, or a small castle on the Isle of Wight. Or a cottage at least. With Sir Paul.

Yr. obedient servant etc. etc.

Punapippuri said...

My esteemed King Spitty

I assume your last comment to me was a sort of apology, and it is accepted. I look forward to photographic evidence, such as a street sign, as proof that your word is in fact your honour. I do think the Golden Gate bridge would be golden if I visited.

And in return, I can offer you Kiimamaan Prinssi, Prince of Kiimamaa. This, should you wish an attempt at translation means the Land of Rutting so somehow I think that coat fits you. You have honorary rights only and I can boot you out if you ever upset me or any Finn friends ever again. Accept it or regret it, Brassballs.

And as for the British stuff, you have to talk to residents of the UK for that. I am sure if you ask them about cottaging on the Isle of Wight with Sir Paul they will listen.

Terri said...

Politics, as usual...

We thinks yer should just offer him a lufly little Finnish kissa :)

Pelle said...

Hyvä Punapippuri, älä anna periksi! Spitty saa olla vaikka Kusipään prinssi kunhan vaan pitää tassunsa kurissa. Ja ei sille ihmeessä anneta suomalaisia kisuja!

Kari said...

We're confused! But we love you Puna, King Kitty of Finland North.

Eric and Flynn said...

Hehe, Brass balls! That told him!

Mark's Mews (Ayla, Iza, and Marley) said...

As furrends of both of you and Spitty, we can't take sides. But TBT is an avid player of the game Risk, which (apparently) involves a lot of national territory and some negotiations.

He suggests you both gang up on some weaker territory and divide THAT between you both.

Spitty-the-Kitty said...

Good evening from The Golden State,

Your Majesty, we are greatly relieved that hostilities have come to an end and that you have named your price of peace.

Unfortunately, as the Human is headed down the coast till Monday, we may not be able to provide photographic proof of our honorable intentions until early next week. We are still pondering the most suitable area to rename and cede over to your control as we trust you will be a benevolent ruler.

I am pleased to accept your offer of the title Kiimamaan Prinssi, Prince of Kiimamaa, and assume a photo will be forthcoming?

I must say that translating the comments of your fine Finnish furiends and supporters has given me pause--I see the word "Bastard" was bandied about--but for the nonce I shall rise above any temptation to start yet another international incident over them.

I accept your word that you cannot provide me a pawhold in the UK (although surely your Äiti must still weild some influence in her former home?) Well, let that be. I will take it up in the future with Austin perhaps.

Till the next time, I remain yr. obedient servant etc etc
Spitty R